To be or not to be, that’s the question?

As Hamlet said, 'To be or not to be'—aren’t we all wondering the same? Should we be, or shouldn't we? In many situations, we face that question. But today, I’m here to talk about my 'to be or not to be', I’m here today to talk about my question.

It's been a while now, I have been asking myself the same question over and over, why do I fall into the same pattern over and over again? Why do I show my vulnerability to people—only to watch them, after a disagreement, try to use it against me, I see how much they are trying to take advantage of this vulnerability that I once trusted them enough to show it to them—and sometimes, I’m not exaggerating—they try to destroy me through it, and I’ve always wondered what did I do to make them hate me that much to make them choose the weakness point that I have and declaring war there?! The strange thing is these people before they turn out the people they are, are very good listeners attention to details, and that's something I always admired in these people, but they listen so they would know how they would hurt me when they need to,

Back to the original point, I was raised the way to doubt myself when everyone was against me because it is impossible to be the right one among 3 or 4 wrong other people, that is what I have been told my whole life, I doubted my sanity for years and years and that’s actually what pushed me to start therapy since I was in high school to see, am I insane? Or it is everyone else, I have been going on and off but I figured after roaming around that it is rare to find a sane person in that crazy world and my trauma made me look for the same people with just different faces, I choose the same toxic people but just with a different face and the more I heal the more I lose people because I stopped accepting people treating me less!

But losing this crazy amount of people one after another triggers our natural human feeling, the fear of abandonment, the fear of being alone, because the nature of the human is a social being, who can’t live all their lives alone, and as we say in Arabic you don't want to step a foot in heaven without people, which indicates how ugly even the heaven would be without people, that’s how we are made, even Allah promised us with our loved ones in heaven, this is us and we can't run from that, that is the instinct that made me cling to anyone comes on my way just to not be alone, and here is the problem here is where everything starts and ends until I break this fuckin loop, because if I continued that way I will continue putting on my pile of traumas.

I figured that my need to have people around me before understanding myself and that these are not the kind of people I’m meant to be around and I just keep changing faces with the same toxicity, and with this huge amount of toxic people comes the question, to be or not to be, to be on my way of healing or not to be and to start using their own medicine and give back to them, to heal and run away from them or not to be and be like them, to be healed or not to be, that’s the question?

But after all, I pity them, no one is born toxic, but again with my Batman and the Joker theory, they went through the same test, and both of them were weird to people, but one chose justice and the other chose vengeance, so I’m sure those people through their way on life, they reached that point, the point of the question, either to be the justice system or to avenge themselves on everyone and choose vengeance!

So, after everything, I will always be glad that through all I have been through I have chosen justice, I have chosen to fix what the others made, I have chosen peace, I have chosen to heal!

And I really really pity them, and I wish them all to heal too!